Mom of two

After all the anticipation and waiting and wondering, 

My little man has arrived.

I was SURE he was going to be a she.

This pregnancy was completely different than the first, 

and even though everyone says that each one is different, 

I was sure that was the reason it was so different.

All the stress he put me under to get here was also convincing me it was a girl.
(Birth story to come later)

No matter now, I love him, and so does his big brother, and proud papa.

I love his smell, 

I love the softness of his skin,

 I love how his body forms to mine to snuggle in, 

I love rubbing my lips on his downy hair, 

I love how he stares up at me as I feed him, 

I love squeezing his soft squishiness. 

I love that I am the only one who can stop his cries, 

 I love our solo cuddles we have in the middle of the night, 

That's our getting to know each other alone time.

I love having a baby.

I am happy I have another boy.

I love that he gets to wear all my favorite outfits that Leo wore.

Leo will have a best friend.

I admit, I was a little heartbroken that he wasn't a girl,

But once I held him and he looked at me I knew this was meant to be. 

They will be mamas boys, and they will be mine.

I won't be around here for a while,

I am getting to know my new little man  and figuring out how to manage two.

Where are you baby?

Ok, I am done.

Tomorrow is 40weeks and to be honest I thought I would be holding my baby in my arms,

not my womb anymore.

Seriously, I have been patient, although you haven't been kind.

Sleepless nights filled with nausea and growing pains for me,

why do you punish me so? 

I have been good to you, 

Carrying you, singing to you, feeding you and growing you.

My phone doesn't stop ringing with questions of where you are,

I am not the only impatient one, although it feels like I am the only one struggling.

The list goes on of the people waiting to hold you, 

and I am done hogging you and am ready to share.

Although it is dark and warm and cozy where you are, 

you are definetly cramped as I can feel every movement & stretch you make.

I promise to swaddle you so you don't feel overwhelmed,

but I know you will be happy in all the arms that will hold you.

The weather is turning and I want to show you the colors of the trees

before the last leaf falls.

Leo was born on my birthday so maybe you are waiting to be born on your uncles.

I will find a little more patience until then as that is 5 more days,

so hear my pleas and make your grand entrance.

Please.

A letter to my unborn little

To my second baby,

For the last nine months we have been together I have felt you grow inside me.

From the instant I found out you were there you were wanted. 

A day hasn't passed where I haven't imagined what you will be, 

who you will look like, what you will become.

You are being born into a family that can't wait to meet you and already loves you.

Your big brother lifts my shirt and kisses my belly every day saying "hi baby".

It reassures me that he is ready.

Ready to open his heart, share his mom, and grow into a little man, no more a baby, 

right before my tearful eyes.

Our days together, just you and I, are coming to a close 

and although I am ready to meet you I am not sure I am ready to share you.

These last few precious moments you and I share as I nurture you and grow you

like only a mother can are cherished in my heart.

I will miss the kicks (no matter how uncomfortable), the hiccups, 

and what feels like gymnastics going on in there because it means you are growing.
I made a person with my body, it is pretty amazing.
The days of waiting will soon be over with your birth and
as your daddy cuts the cord to separate you from me you will begin your journey earth side
as your very own person, an original, don't forget that!
Although we will no longer be connected know that I love you dearly.
No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you and your brother
because only the two of you know what my heart sounds like from the inside.
For your life I wish health be on your side, imagination in your mind,
love in your heart and happiness in your soul.
I wish you courage in the face of fear, strength in times of weakness,
Hope in times of despair, faith in times of sorrow,
I wish you to have kindness  and courtesy towards others,
Always treating them as you want to be treated.
I hope to instill these qualities in you and your brother,
teaching you both the basic principles to live a happy life by.
No matter what path life leads you down know that your father and I
will always be here to guide you, support you and love you.
You have the potential to become anything your heart desires,
don't let anyone tell you different.
See you soon
Love, Mom

Letting go

We have all had "that friend" 

The one that you never thought wouldn't be in your life,

the one you always figured would be there for you, 

in good times and bad, kind of like a marriage, right? 

After all, you were there for them, 

you supported them with a shoulder to cry on, late night phone calls, 

promises to hate the person who hurt them.

It was never hard to find things to talk about, something to do or places to go.

They were always there for you when it was easy,

or maybe it was just when it was easy for them!?

Fortunately we can change as life gets hard, and we have to evolve to deal with the change.

It's called growing up.

But when one person in the friendship doesn't change it seems like the friendship gets left behind.

It took me a long time to accept that this "friend" wasn't who I thought they were.

As we grew older and my life changed with marriage, a baby, and soon two,

my "friend" is no where in sight.

Hmmmm.....

I have never been anything but supportive for my friend, so why can't they be happy for me?

We haven't always lived in the same place or had the same friends,

but when we were together we picked up like we were never apart.

I shed many tears of sadness of us being far away.

I used to not think I could live without my "friend" in my life.

Unfortunately it has taken a lot of soul searching to come to the realization that this isn't the person
 I thought they were.

Friends support each other, rally for each others success and want to see the other happy.

Don't they? 

Isn't this how a successful friendship works?

Then why does it feel so hard?

I have come to terms with the end of our friendship.

It doesn't mean that it still doesn't hurt or make me sad to think of what I thought it was going to be.

Some people just don't grow up,

some people are incapable of change, or simply don't want to.

Whatever the reasoning for their lack of selfishness I can't be mad anymore.

I can't waste another second of my happiness being sad or angry or hurt

because I didn't do anything wrong.

I think that is sometimes the hardest lesson for people to learn.

It isn't always your fault.

That doesn't mean it isn't hard letting go or saying good bye.

I feel like we sometimes suffer through friendships by holding onto them

when we know it is time to let go.

Just because you have been friends for a long time sometimes isn't a good enough reason to stay friends, unfortunately.

I have my memories and they are good so I am going to hold onto that and not let 

the negative parts ruin them.

I have said my peace,

my conscience is clear, my life is happy,

and I can truly say that I have the friends that I need.

Can you?

Only keep people in you life that
Love you, Motivate you,Inspire you, Encourage you,
Enhance you, and
Make you happy.
If you have people who do none of this let them go.
Life is too short:)

Am I ready?

I am ready to not be pregnant anymore, but am I ready for a baby, hmmmm

I will have to get back to you on that one.

It's not that I won't love this baby once its here, 

I just feel like I love Leo soooooo much, how can I have that much more in me to give? 

Where does it all come from? 

And I know people with 2,3,4 kids and of course they love them all.

But that first one is really something special.

That first one is your learning curve.

What did I do before I had him? Nothing important because I can't remember.

With the first one you learn the importance of life, 

that I am not the most important person in my life, 

although it feels good to know that you are to them, and that they rely 100% on you.

Who else in your life really NEEDS you for their survival besides your children?

No one. 

People get divorced, or die, friends move away, parents get old, siblings get married, 

and we as adults survive. 

But babies don't have that ability yet.

It is really amazing how someone so small who only has a cry for communication can teach us so much about ourselves.

I never thought I had it in me to raise children.

Everyday Leo makes me smile and I would never give that up.

He instantly changed our lives and for the better, in way he  will never fully fathom until he holds his own child in his arms, a moment I pray I am there to share.

From the "I wuv you mommie" to kissing my belly & saying "hi baby"

He is an amazing little man that I am so happy to watch grow.

When I think he isn't watching, he definitely is, 

He mimics me putting on mascara in the morning

(Which daddy isn't too happy about but it is so cute)

 A part of me is sad that I am having another baby because I won't have so much time 

to spend with Leo, 

I am savouring every moment we have and trying to get in extra cuddles, 

more fun activities, extra playtime together, 

but to be honest, at this point in my pregnancy it is really hard.

My baby is stretching my body to its breaking point and I am more tired than I remember being the first time....probably because I got to rest a lot the first time. 

I am ready to have this baby on the outside world. 

Maybe not mentally, but for sure physically. 

My bags are packed, baby clothes and diapers are washed and ready, 

the nursery is painted and the feature wall is taped off,

(There will be a whole separate entry for that later)

all I need is for my body to cooperate now. 

My oven is almost done cooking its little new bun and I can hardly wait to meet you. 

See you soon baby, 

Your big brother can't wait to kiss you!

A super mom

Some days I feel like I don't know what I am getting myself into by having another baby.

I know I can do it, a million other women have.

Last night I saw a client I haven't seen for 6 months.

I took a spin class of hers for a few sessions after I had Leo.

She is the definition of a super mom.

Her body bounces back (probably because she taught spin until she was 37weeks last time)

and she has 3 kids under 5, soon to be 4 because she is expecting!

What?? 

If she can bust out 4 littles then surely 2 will be a breeze.

I think.

I need to put her picture on my fridge to remind myself.

We laughed and compared notes on our new minivans that we both recently purchased
And how much we secretly love them! 

I told her, along with all my other clients of the day that the only boys name we agree on is 

Heman. 

I just about peed laughing writing that.

If I could say it seriously to people it would be even funnier but I can't not laugh.

He-man! 

I know what our next dogs name is going to be! 

(hopefully this baby will come out weiner free or else it will be nameless for a while)

I know we don't know everyone else's struggles but it sure helps to know
some strong, positive, motivational mommies.
It's a mom eat mom world with all of the pinterest pinning (that I succumb to)
and the comparison and unwanted advise we seem to spew at each other.
Let's just support each other as women.
If you breast feed or formula feed, good for you, your child is eating,
If you have the high end stroller or an umbrella one, at least you take your kid with you,
If you buy designer clothes or second hand, your child is clothed,
If you own a house or rent an apartment, there is a roof over your child's head at night,
If you go to Mexico or the valley zoo, you are making memories with your kids,
Sometimes the best memories you have of your childhood cost nothing,
Get busy worrying about what your child thinks rather than the mom next door.
We all have a super mom inside of us, sometimes we just need to be reminded.
(thanks Lindsay)

My Journey to a Midwife

I didn't really know too much about midwives before I got pregnant the second time.

When I was expecting with Leo I dismissed the notion of getting one, assuming they were only for home births.

You can have a midwife and have your baby at home, at a birthing center or in a hospital.

There are a lot of things in life that we dismiss I think due to ignorance, fear, and uneducation.

(I dismissed the fact that I was ever going to have kids, and I definetly was never going to drive a mini van, which I happily do and really LOVE.)

I was already a few months along when I decided to look into it.

Unknown to me, as soon as you get a positive test you better apply to all the midwives in the Edmonton area because there are only 14 of them.

Luckily I got in with a few and after choosing which one to go with and having our initial meeting I was unfortunately told that I wouldn't be able to have her due to financial restrictions put in place by our government.

Its funny that the government has such a say in how many patients a midwife can take but doesn't really care about all the ones that doctors have.

Oh right, the doctor isn't the one helping with the birth, the nurses are, and if you are lucky, your doctor will blow through the door, wiping lunch crumbs off their face, in time to catch your baby before it hits the floor. What a hero.

I had that experience already, and the doctor that came was one I had never seen before.

 I would like to build a relationship and trust with the person who is helping me bring my new life into the world, and I would like them as invested into the process as I am.

Its not a big deal to them, but it is to me and I am sure a lot of other moms.

I felt like I had no control the first time around.

This time I wanted it to be different.

Unfortunately my government was telling me I had no other options but a doctor in a cold sterile hospital. I cried.

Suprisingly, at 30 weeks pregnant I got an email letting me know a midwife had an opening!

What are the chances? I felt elated that I was going to have the water birth that I wanted.

Now I go see her every week so we can build on our relationship and all our planning can be in place.

Shortly after that Martino and I went to Lucina to have a tour of the birthing center.

It is so beautiful, serene and relaxing, I am looking forward to having my baby!

I never would have said that with my first pregnancy.

My mind was filled with fear, doubt, and uncertainty about the birth.

Now I feel like a strong woman who can do this.

Women do this everyday.

I just want to say that I did it without fear at the front of my mind.

I have an amazing doula who has been a great support throughout my pregnancy

and I couldn't imagine going through this without her.

Yes, my husband will be there, he isn't however the most calm relaxing person to have in any kind of stressful situation. (ask me about the blueberry bagel incident)

He is also happy and feels some relief for having our doula, if anything to guide him what to do so I don't punch him in the face.

I admit, first pregnancy I was very sensitive and cried all the time, this time around, I am crazy and temperamental. (for some reason though it is all geared towards my poor husband)

*maybe instead of a push gift he should get a "staying with your crazy wife" gift?!

I'll think about it....

I look forward to my midwife being there with me throughout the whole process and the higher level of care that they provide.

I am happy with my decision for this baby and how it is all working out.

I have to stay in my "bubble of peace" though because it still seems that everyone around me is trying to knock down my idea of a perfect birth.

Yes, it might not be your choice, but that's just the point, "it's not YOUR choice, it's mine"

Its sad really that as women we are so judgemental of each others when it comes to any decision another woman makes that wouldn't necessarily be our own.

Oh well, I am happy and I can't wait to fill you in on how it all happens.....
and what this little peanut is since we left it to be a surprise!